i was TRYING to clean up my room today.. and i figured opening first that small drawer i have beside my bed. and i saw this article i printed last march that i never got to read. interesting. because it hit me right there. here are some excerpts.
"it occured to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for an exam tommorrow. i kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by by an unknown force, your memory unearth itself. consequently, i pause from studying and i start thinking about you. and it always left me a touch of sadness (oh how i hate my readings this sem.. can't wait till august 20-21!)
as far as i was concerned, i made it a point not to think about you anymore (promise! di ba anya!?) at least not that often as i used to(wellll..), in the form of preoccupation, there is a lot of homework to do, FRIENDS TO SPEND TIME AND ENERGY WITH, FAMILY AFFAIRS, televesion, radio. there's this even a new object of affection in the rough (hahaha.. bring back the flame ang dating.. bt pramis namiss ko siya!). works for most part, i should say. within the confines of my room, with school books before me, there is forgetting.
just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. as long as they remain frozen, everything's safe. there is no need to worry.
but somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously learned skill. moment by moment, you PROFUSELY enter my mind (as in PROFUSELY!), flling my awarenes with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of ....afternoon walks, lunch outs, (ooh and even dinners), text messages, and phone calls....
i have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. US won't even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with (from latak to hiram!) we just hung out and talked and spent time together more othen than we did with our other friends and colleagues. sometimes it pained me that i could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.
i could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranitng about your insecrities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. on the other side, i remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. i was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about that person that you are...
YET when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. i suspended my disbelief when i convinced myself that you always meant well, ..when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright (oh yes how many times... ) i know i should not expect things from other people; perhaps (it is) i was at fault when i wanted more from you when you...
.... i never dared to tell you anything about it. i was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. and that, i pressume to be my biggest mistake: i abandoned myself.. i forgot myself altogether.
and
just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across the air. i have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. and similar to any ethereal feelting moemnt, you were gone. leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place."
i can always promise to forget him, but it seems that my environment doesnt want me to. odd isn't it.
life will always be complicated.
and it will be more complicated if you let it to.
i miss myself. the way i was before. i'm trying to get to that detour. but every time i try to go back, something's holding me back to where i am now.
No comments:
Post a Comment