i started humming the tune of "foolish heart" to myself early February. perhaps it was the valentine season that was making me sick once again. i love the music, more than anything, the lyrics; it was as if talking to me.
i need a love that's strong,
I’m so tired to being alone
but will my lonely heart play the part
of the fool again.
before i begin...
I’m feeling that feeling again,
I'VE BEEN PLAYING A GAME I CAN'T WIN
love's knocking on the door of my heart once more.
THINK I"LL LET HIM IN. before i begin
well i could say that my thought of a possible budding romance was "just" a blooming friendship that has been going on before. yes, I’ve known him, I’ve worked with him quite well and indeed my foolish heart failed to hear the warning, (yes, it has been wrong before, so many times in fact). But particularly HIS STORY was quite different from the stories I’ve tried to write.
Oh yes, i am MARIA CLARA of the 21st century, as one of my best friends told me. Perhaps it was the way grew up. Waking up to the yellow streaks of sunlight from my Lola’s guest room window. Hearing 60's music played by my folks in a Toyota corolla with our first ever Discman. Watching Aladdin 3 times a day, sulking on beanbags, playing pretty ugly with willy wonka and babe, and hearing the incessant sound of Volkswagen at 6am in the morning.
i think i had a pretty normal childhood. except that it was as if i grew up in the 60's. really, pop in a CD of the Beatles or even Beach boys, Supremes or Motown and I’ll be humming to it, or even sing with it. i remember sitting every night on the dinner table always having a joke or two with my family.
hmm... but then again, what is the connection of this childhood to what i have now? to think, as philosophy taught me, it was my choice to be this way. what i am is what my childhood built me. maybe one thing i could not detach from my childhood is that i do still believe in fairy tale romances. being kissed by a prince, taken up to a magic carpet ride, and live happily ever after. but apparently by the time i thought i reached the end of my fairy tale... my prince became a Jafar... or an Abu.... or the carpet... hahaha (ok I’m getting to mean)
perhaps, those 5 months was just a dream. a limbo, where i was queen. i wouldn’t say i was a good leader. i wouldn't say as well that i’ve created so many ripples to start that promised change. But i knew somewhere between the lines of being queen, being mom, being a friend ... i knew i was also human.
i felt. i learned. i cared. i loved.
I’m sure the avid readers of my BLOG, as if there are any, would say "anj, let go." "anj it has been a month!".. but I’m sorry, the 5 months has truly changed me. it has changed my way of life, my POVs... the 5 months changed my being.
last night, i was looking through pictures of my whole college life, in preparation to my senior page. i wish i could go back, take a U turn and do everything again. college life is so memorable to me. most especially the 5 months, i mean that this life changing experience will always remain in my heart. i would still go through the same road anytime as i have said in the past posts i made.
i talked it out with 3 friends about this new found feeling. i cried to them. and right now it does feel good. thanks for reassuring me guys! i owe you so a lot! Thanks for keeping me sane and keeping me in one piece. but then i miss him not because he is gone but things between us aren't they way they used to be. I’m sorry not because i hurt myself but because I've fallen in love with him when i was not suppose to. but i know that it is hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in anyway and i think I’ve learned from all the stories I’ve tried to write and I’ve learned to let go and face the fact that like ORSEM2004, while good things never last, some don’t even start.
and anya, do allow me to use your line, i think I’ve bounced back. Slowly seeing the path of my last year as a student. thank you for always making me smile despite all the tears I’ve shed. thank you for reassuring me that i was cut out to be somebody out there. thank you for letting me know that i deserve someone who can understand me on the long run. oo nga, i cant even see him doing stints with frey and jig hahaha..
val, i miss those long talks. thank you sobra. thank you for letting me know what i was worth. it was enough for you to hear me out. things i could not show to anyone. And most of all, thank you for letting me still believe in love despite all these.
Barbie, I know naman you won’t be able to read this but thank you for listening. Thanks for understanding. I do miss those days when you'd go home with me and talk about our Brazilian guys and hotties! hahahaha don’t worry. single my dear to be sure pa rin to! hahahaha
and as I end this, I might not be singing foolish heart anymore because my heart is always foolish. but instead for a one last cry, I’ll be singing "a fool to the end"...
so glad we met and you stayed though it wasn’t very long
was it only just a dream?
it’s over now it seems
if there were no goodbyes would you say that you'd still care?
I won't believe my eyes when you say you won’t be there
coz this love so hard to find now you're leaving me behind
show me tell me how do you put this love aside
put it away for another time
with no guarantee that you'll be mine
a fool I am it seems coz I’ll be loving you in my dreams
till i wake up and I’d find out that time isn’t our friend
i may be over acting i know i must stay strong...
i maybe foolish. because i am human. but i would still believe in fairytales coz i know, as i have learned, that if you do love someone, you'll accept him no matter if he is the prince, jafar, or abu.
i guess it is time to say "next!" but then, i know that you passed by to teach me. thank you for life lessons.
Thank you so very much my dear, mr. could have been!
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