He's just not worth it.

disclaimer: scandalizing title? maybe. if you thinking i'll be spilling out my guts here, think not! if you know me, really really knew me... you know full well that i reserve special stories to people and what i post here is just a gist of my life changing realizations.

He's just not Worth it.

I've been living on wishes, living on wishes all my life
And I wish I could make one
To make everything in this world right

Yes, i have been living on wishes. We are all wishers and dreamers anyway. what is life without a dream? i know i dream to have a good marriage, to have kids. (yes, 2am conversations with scandalizing sister "i want anak".. read: her xanga, character:nerve). but i know the dream is still so far away. and in fact at this point of my life that i'm typing this post, i dont even care if my genes will not flourish.. kawawa naman ang world with more of my genes noh..but i dont think it is a crime to dream about this.. as how it is not a crime to fall in love (yes the falling apart of ego bounderies .. fr dacanay lectures:))

I'm falling forward while you wait behind
Lost for your reasons and missing your time
I'm Wishing for you, falling forward
I'm Wishing for you

i often wonder if i really missed a road sign somewhere in my life. I mean why am i so contented with what i have, not that i am being so complacent with life. As you can see with my posts for the past days. It's just that as long as i have something, i know that, that something can grow to so much more. There have been a lot of guys saying that im too intimidating.. that they think that i am the type of girl who doesnt actually need somebody else. Perhaps, i would agree that i am the type of girl who doenst really need somebody else in my life to make me happy..(yes inaaliw ko sarili ko.. ) But it doesnt mean that i dont need other people... (how many times have i yearned to go back to the days when ALOT of people who i can trust fully are just there beside me... EU bench days, orsem days...) I jsut think that i dont have to be NEEDY nor HELPLESS to be able to fall in love. As what fr dacanay say, for a good relationship to exsit, it has to be with strong and independent individuals. I mean why would i depend on someone to make me TOTALLY happy.... is this the myth of romantic love? haha.. perhaps. whatelse could it be?

And I'm only an hour, not even an hour away
But you're keeping your distance
We're more than a million miles apart these days

I think i am giving an impression that im super pessimistic and skpetic about love. Blame me for listening to girlfriend woes on boyfriends. *shurg*. But maybe this skepticism is doing me good. Perhaps, i would make me realize what my weaknesses are and be able to find someone who can fill me in during those weaknesses. Are you now mezmerized with these things im saying.. coz i am. Who i am to talk about this to think i havent even experience any relationship-serious or not. This i believe makes it so much difficult because all i have is theory-- all i am hanging to are platonic relations i had, and other people's stories on their own love lives (or the lack of it sometimes)

And suddenly I'm the villain of the piece
You're lying awake, wondering how I sleep

But in the end like most of my post, it's still a "we'll see" situation. But at this point, as i have told my friends, maybe i dont have to search like as if he's always the next customer at the shop. Should i just wait then? maybe not. i dont need to be a damsel in distress or some lady in waiting. All i could do is ENJOY LIFE. what else do i do with it anyway? what's the point of sulking when there is a world ready for me to explore.

why the title...

I’ve been in love a time or two
I’ve seem the world but not with you
I wanna fly and spread my wings
Don’t wanna cry, I wanna sing
I wanna live and take a chance
I’m not afraid to love again
I wanna fall, fall for you
And I want you to fall for me too

Anya dedicated this song to me and barbie sometime ago.. and it does make sense at this point of my life.. thing is the "it" in "worth it" is the risk-- hindi ko pa kayang tumaya pero alam ko handa na ako.... yes i am afraid to love.. but i want to fall for you..